August Nineteenth

one year ago
your last birthday
and the promise
to laugh about
all the hospital shit
on your next.

the laughter
now mingles with tears
which would fall
on your grave
if only you had one.

i am searching for you
in my dreams
childhood memories
of the lighter kind.

your death changed me
like only one before
a crack opened up
and what gets in
is far from light.

i never missed someone
so much
for someone else.

i miss you for
at least
two people.

i miss you for myself, too.
but it seems less important.

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